Locked-in: The Pre'paration-Phase II THE END

Record 1: Hard decisions. 

I opted out!! one year of confusion and trying to know myself-what works for me. It hasn't worked...I could blame it on many things but it's fruitless, lack of guidance being primary yet the truth is I myself have had flaws in knowing myself to have known that a year ago- there's no reward in regret.

This it isn't a punishment, to opt out of this year's Examination cycle, it can be called a form of exhaustion. To be definite it's a concious choice that I have willed to bet on having limited arrows in my quiver. Locked in still with close to 20 months at hand whilst mindful that passing years will weigh in on my career-par pehle uss par toh jaun, the passion for this position/service and the drive to serve in capacity of a Indian Diplomat to my people- a job I deem fit for the skill/aptitude set I've been working on all these years. *One lifetime, one chance it is.* Although, I do not see it as greater than life itself and I do reckon that there are many other ways to serve the same purpose- service can be in many forms.

I write this post after attending another burial ceremony in my near extended family, the emotions attached to life makes me aware of being in the moment...in NOW and making the most out of it, befriending time itself. 

March 2023

Record 2: To be continued 

May 2023 

Did I write how it all began? I dint right? Just for the sake of record here,  May of 2023  decideing on the guidance required (coming from a family of business persons), ROI/CB are extremely important. Dronacharya or Parshuram? will be decided on the the basis of what kind of student am I, Eklavya or Arjun. 2022 has taught me I'm not a Eklavya for sure. Leaving my Ma, to go into ORN will be a mental baggage making it a larger distraction. All these years of working and studying has taught me to minimise mental weights for focused hardwork.  COVID has taken a toll surely, but it has also pushed Indian public/market and Government initiatives toward digitization from which I hope to monetize in my preparation.

Coming back to the beginning, I was in class 6 when I first saw a Red passport and taken by it wanted to become a Diplomat! :p    Years went by and life happened-it became a childish whim, parents separated and cities changed for education. I took up jobs to support myself and the degrees on the basis of interest and feasibility- going on track towards becoming a public intellectual! My mother's dream for me was yet to be realised when COVID-19 put a break on my pace of work. Through an NGO for which I worked (having a keen interest in working for society and social causes) lead me to meet an Ambassador, through that conversation my zeal towards Indian Foreign Services was rejuvenated. Unprepared and unguided like a novice I gave my first attempt amidst the pandemic scare in '21. That year I also lost my grandfather (he was like a father to me) and my mother suffered long COVID symptoms for sometime, unfazed I took another plunge (8 months of Willy nilly) in 2022 June and realised I wasn't 'that genius/exception' who made it in 8 months and by 2023 I realised I wasn't 'a do it yourself' either. I am extremely grateful to my mother for being my support system throughout my life and even more so now, my brother for critiquing me and holding me upright, my Aunt's and Uncle for believing in me. All of these failures and lessons along with many trials have been a catalyst to my ambitions. Saving up as taught by Morgan Housel in the Psychology of Money, actually gave me the ability to pursue my goals although career delays acted as constant pressure to the pocket. Outliers by Malcom Gladwell and many other great authors/books- The New Earth by Ekart Tolle, Neville Goddard and James Allen have been a contant guide in understanding my calling and working towards it. Any amount of gratitude put in words towards God and family as well as friends isn't enough as an expression, I love y'all doesn't conclude it either. 

P.S: I took up some Think Tank jobs and cleared rounds to work in an International Organisation and in each of their interviews I felt inside of me a different calling which made me question- Why⁉️ and then I met the job I actually wanted and resonated with- a ikigai?! 

(I hope to befriend brevity post this post)

Record 3: How you doin? 

Dear June, I'm good. It's a full-time Job now post 2 years of hobnobbing with CSE syllabus. মা heads to her Cloud Academy every morning in this post-pandemic world, as I gear up for my "Job". I'm done doing chance pe dance type of preparation, Locked-In work from home type- making the exam full time corporate style job' (not a childhood psychological extension of playing Office-Office) 

Syllabus refined, objectives defined- almost a Frankenstein! to 2024 CSE. Laxmikant remains a favourite, going on and on with it-  as Spenser has pointed "survival of the fittest".

Hardwork(✓), Consistently(✓), Focused(✓)& Dedication (✓)  Simplicity (✓) Perseverance (✓) and much needed- Discipline (✓). 

Workstation '23-'24

UGC NET (✓) JRF Political Science= to Keep one egg safely tucked in, for mum's sake (because I usually burn the bridge for all my life choices.) 

#end June- almost 10 years later I stand where I stood with the same human, with whom the theatrical student life of Prem, Politics and Porashona unfolded (Love, Politics and Education). From School to college hand in hand steering the wheel of life towards maturity! Taking another leap to the leap year-our own new tryst with old endeavours. 

Record 4: On a drop of a Chopstick 🥢

Learning, Unlearning, Forgetting and relearning. Forgetting, learning, relearning and Unlearning. 

Forging a new route from PhD-research aspiration, to aspirant to bureaucrat- one may ask what's the difference? each phase has something to learn, unlearn, relearn and understanding is the difference. The defining moment is my inkling anxiety regarding memorization and application of contents in the mammoth syllabus, a question arose on how do I do this? And an answer followed. 

My mother dropped a Chopstick on our kitchen floor as I sat in the next room wondering, closed door. The sound of its drop being made of hollow steel gonged in a beggarly act for attention, yet the wealth of knowledge bestowed in on my mind- Epiphany! I felt.

I thought "I haven't seen the chopstick fall, I've heard it fall. How do I know it's a Chopstick unpaired falling in despair? Because of familiarity. I have heard and seen it fall before, ergo I know what's what- the art of learning is familiarity and experience"  This was my method of discovery, graduation and application of the constructivist learning theory(Each successive step was more important than its preceding one) aka mode of revisions. 

The question remains- Have I arrived at my Shayks (teachers) lodge?

As the Buddha says - "When the student is ready, the teacher will apper".

Record 5: Unlocked

July 2023

"Delhi main Hain,

 Magar Delhi abhi dur hai." 

NCERTs and classes combined, first three months are for thorough understanding and  relearning basics along with building foundation for current affairs, economical use of time and brevity is the way to mastery for this exam. Yet, I'll have to spare some days for the past having to collect my Masters degree, delayed by the pandemic-100th Batch of JMI did not get a farewell, stranger is the fact that I belonged to the 200th batch of Presidency University, a Bicentennial and then a centennial! The then Presidency College in it's centennial year had faced a similar challenge that JMI experienced in form of COVID-19 with its celebrations curtailed, the Spanish flu in 1917. A jinx it maybe or an occams razor style generalization, these similarities and myself being a '+00' person gives me a stange premonition with this symmetry. 

Chapter 1# Delhi closure-  SURPRISE! The day we boarded was the day a notification came in my mailbox. To our astonishment I was to be granted a Convocation and an opportunity for reuniting with my batch of 2020. A farewell, goodbye and an unfailing as well as unsaid best wishes for each other is what I have gained from them. Debates, discussions and learning was the centre of this bond, as we look ahead in life with our own personal endeavours yet somewhere we latch on to the innocence of bygone days- memories and relations to cherish for a lifetime. (Also, we played Mafia in the After-party. I remained a Mafia still, undercover)

Chapter 2# Along with becoming a post graduate I get to say goodbye to another family, here in Delhi along with being colleagues, friends, and a soul brother. My Afghan family moves to their next chapter in the USA. July wasn't as I had thought! I may have lost some focused study time and failed some deadlines but I have surely regained and rejuvenated my vital human relations which makes this preparation cycle all the more worth it. All of this whilst polity and ecology danced together in my schedule! No more realtime human interaction till 2024?let's see...#relocked-In. 

#MA Conflict Analysis and Peace Building Batch 2020

#Merit Scholar Pose

#Amalgamation of history- Indian Aunt with Afghan Niece at The Qutub Minar Complex.

Record 6: August Child relocked

It's hard to convince my family that I'm too old and jobless for a birthday party, with zest and humor my mother surprised me once again! I'm truly blessed. A final goodbye before the fervor continues for this year's attempt begins with me turning a year wiser and younger?! (We'll see) As I bid two other friends at my hometown goodbye for their 'foreign life', I keep saying "Hello!" to my books in ambition for foreign service. (Lord, have mercy)

Also, I've decided to be truthful and accountable since those are the primary qualities of a Civil Servant? Using MS Excel to track my preparation and MyPlate for fitness. 

#A Postgraduate themed Birthday. 

I also truly feel grateful for I have been given great luck in terms of Friends and Family that celebrate me beyond my wishing ability. 

#Weights of CSE on me.

15th August 2023- On Independence Day,  my freedom of breaks is taken till prelims 2024 (although I'll have to venture out once to receive my Mother and brother post their SA trip_Umrah'23, may their prayers make me a better officer/aspirant?!). 

My Mother has taken my ambition through their prayers to what for a Muslim is the highest place for spiritual appeal. Reminded of my first time at this holy place and pilgrimage, I do think that 8/9 years (2014) ago this very pilgrimage left me with the impression of insignificance of a human pride/ego and the enormity of the possibility in one lifetime itself. My character development was influenced thoroughly by beginning a spiritual journey of self discovery. Back then, Amma as a single mother worked hard to save every penny for us (she and I) to be able to visit. Now, we are old enough to carry her on our back! The cycle of life is such, the sacrifices of a parent are way too many to count. All I can say is with every prayer of hers, I become resilient to score better on the next mock test. 

Record 7: Target's met!

I often see my life from third person/observer lenses, in that way I can humor better. With such a mindset when tragedy/comedy unfolds in form of events that may be a 'great scene' for a cinema script, you detach yourself from that event and see yourself just as the protagonist- making a informed and emotionally balanced decision! What would 'you' as the director, want 'you' as the character have done for a better plot twist in the situation? 

Sometimes a Fairytale, Bollywood/Hollywood/Tollywoodish too (not Kollywood yet), Thriller, Horror *.* yes... Romance, comedy and historic biography of one's life. There are/were characters/objects that have an impact on one's life: sometimes acting as the MacGuffins- they're those who drive the plot and can be replaced later like a philosophers stone or a briefcase in Hitchcock film etc etc.  If you observe life, for a Heroin/Actress/Actor to be able to have engaging plot is only possible with all those people/events/things around her. Yet life's meaning isn't driven by that. Then the point is are you willing to be the lead of your story? Yes? Then BE it. 

God's producing, are you directing?

There's no deus ex machina but yourself  in this plot. CSE exam (A macGuffin- for this season), the month of Libra taught me the virtue of balance I reached my equilibrium in preparation- ticking off those targets.

Characters formed by optical illusion, don't let me sleep :P

September brought more twists as my brother lands in Hospital right after coming back and I a fever. 

Lessons of this month are:

• Lesser the words better the expression. 
• A smile is more than a dime to stupidity.
• Criticism without productive alternative is a crowds banter. 

Record 7: Zindagi reflections

October'23

Inspires me.

Kuch na sahi, 

Ye Zindagi khaak toh nahi.

Kuch na sahi,

Ye Bemaaine bhi nahi.

Sirf saans lene se hi,

Sab sahi hota toh nahi.

Kuch na sahi,

Ye zindagani ek haseen kahani

Kabhi rohchak, kabhi andhadhund

Kabhi bedard! 

Kuch na sahi, phir bhi jeene se hi

Hum chod jate Hain ek Haseen Khahaani.

Throughout these two years having decided to prepare from home, in Isolation and without a full-time job I keep asking myself am I doing justice to myself? I have been grounded and risked things I'm yet not aware of. At the "prime of my youth" as they say, given it all up! Am I putting in enough efforts to compensate for the time, money, friendships, relationships and many more on one side of the balance...on the other side it's the goal, why isn't it feeling heavy enough? that's the lows we go through they'd said in topper talks... whereas in my life there have been little uneventful days, I plead for monotony in preparation. 

How do I deal with lows? I don't. I keep reading, drinking coffee and listening to music. Also, I haven't seen Aspirants series and they've already released season 2 -.-! I don't plan to see both...not now or later, will ponder about it after? 👀

Oct'1 International Coffee Day 

Record 8: Optionals not optional 

As time went by, many knots did open up in November and December. As the year ends and I begin the last phase of this preparation with synoptic notes, Micro notes, daily practice routines. Optionals taking the vital part till February next year, unexpected things happen almost regularly by I remain in my expected mental strength and disciplined. 

The new year brings new beginning for my relationship with my once estranged father on his birthday, we have started to talk again. :) 

2024 brings good tidings, as I snack on another inspiring book by David Goggins, You Can't Hurt me - it teaches us to never settle, reflect, be accountable to self and defeat your ghosts.

Reflection #1

Reflection #2

November and December was cold in everyway, with some mistletoe like memories of special days with my special human - মা।
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Record 9: The Transformation

I think it was the Harry Potter series, that left an unusual impact on me along with some other English language dramas while growing up, and many international series as an adult along with plenty books and education in general that shaped my life. Why I mentioned Harry Potter particularly? Is because of a scene I want to talk about, in The prisoner of Azkaban professor Lupin teaches the wizards to turn the Boggart from what they fear most into something funny. Among the many real like lessons this had impacted my life greatly, I developed the habit to turn things I feared into something funny. It first had to be confronted and the accepted before turning it as an insignificant as possible. Locked in, I decided to confront my health issues as lack of sunlight whilst studying indoors for years exhausted my D3 and an unhealthy body leads to an unhealthy mind. The transformation was planned, and excuses weren't accepted in my rigorous routine of 14 hours.

Record 10: after 900 days of prelims and three failed attempts.

I sat with a Notebook, wrote on it the Job description of an Indian Foreign Servant or an Indian Diplomat and the career cycle. Alongside it, I wrote down the aspirations of my current lifetime and what attracts me, my purpose as well as my life situation. The question of 'Why am I here- is service through knowledge and execution' my interest was always in Geopolitics, and I love to explore but a primary point that I skipped was my temperament although I have the aptitude and knack for independent research along with my ageing parents who are divorced needing my assistance more frequently than a job in the services would allow. With changing circumstances and developing interests, as well as many other interests that were not in tandem with this Job. I decided to QUIT!!! 

Why? Because it isn't the right Job for me, and there are many ways through which I can serve my Country, and it's people and humanity along with my family. Did I waste all that time and money spent in preparation? NO. I gained more than quantifiable in words... not only knowledge, courage, decipline, a new mindset and deeper empathy but also relationships that will last me a lifetime. My journey has just begun, let's see what awaits me ahead.

#Not_A_Civil_Servant #Always_A_Diplomat

#Jai_Hind #Jai_Bharat #My_Flag_My_Pride
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TO ANY ASPIRANT THAT READS THIS POST, YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU FAILED OR A SUCCESS IF YOU SECURE A POSITION IN THAT LIST. YOU SUCCEED JUST BY TRYING TO TAKE THIS EXAM, THE KNOWLEDGE YOU GAIN WILL HELP YOU IN THIS LIFETIME AND IN BEING A BETTER CITIZEN OF THE COUNTRY AS WELL AS THE WORLD. PRELIMS isn't just about that day, nor is MAINS just about those 9 days and the INTERVIEW isn't just those few minutes in Dholpur House. This exam tests your character, and ONLY IF YOU ARE SUITABLE, AND THE JOB IS SUITABLE FOR YOU!!! CAN YOU MARRY THIS CAREER. 

#Many (99.9%) don't clear this exam.... It's not the end, it's the beginning!

#Many clear this exam, get THAT JOB and then QUIT...read English August by Upamanyu Chatterjee. It's not the end, it's the beginning of something new. 

#Many take this exam, most have the potential! We all work hard but destiny has other plans...like Vikas Divyakirti Sir.

It wasn't the end, but a bright beginning for him too. 

*Explore, Achieve, Enthuse, Repeat.*