Record 1: Suns of May
May 2022
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| From the Pages of NCERT Sociology |
Months passed,
Tornados and whirlwinds past.
And in the eye
I ! sat and wondered.
Policies lacked, conundrums toppled
Nearing the clearing I stood!
It had lead me to the nowhere street,
I understood!
Alone I shall walk, but not lonely
As I take the long road to Massoorie.
Locked in with Yellow, Green, Red and Blue books
I see the world and my county from The Hindu.
On a sultry Afternoon in May, my mother the head of our rather amusing household sat with me and advised on how to perfect my previous failed attempts of UPSC. As I write this I’m rather unaware and hopeful of the outcome but YOLO so why not. Blog/journal! In my poetic expressions I find solace as we ponder “What went wrong” and try understand logically - “everything”.
Having spent last 5 years away from home and in the process of pursuing all that I desired to learn/achieve. I’ve gained experience, yes! But somewhere strayed away from “the goal”. As I crawl my way back to the momentum of preparation for what they call THE MARATHON - finding method to the madness starts with 'knowing thyself', we go back to the traditional methods employed during the “board exams”ISC to now CBSEs NCERT. My mother being a teacher narrowing in, exclaimed ‘are college exams that easy to pass? an all nighter for straight A’s ?”
(Almost a year back home, eight months in prep, many trials and error in understanding the exam alone. Yes! I took the wrong road or as they say or the long road. Many ups and too many downs, hit and runs too! All forgiven. We agree on fresh start, no compromises! Definitely no excuses) She says, sleep at 10 and we extend it to 11, we wake early morning being "Breaking Dawn" person. Juice or Tea? I say Coffee! Yoga on, till and toil with the pen and text, running shoes tied up with AIR playing on headsets.
We begin with scheduling and embibeing order. Learn and mock, read and test! Note and tick off to bring the mammoth at rest. I loose those apps, she looses those ‘apnes’! As we shed the weights, buckle up till we reach the gates.
Record 2: Dry spells broken.
Having read books full of Jargons and hefty thinkers, reading society, polity, economy and basics once again through the descriptive NCERTs, it is astonishing. As they say, simplicity is the key indeed. Treading into the beginnings of all things basic.
One we are,
Many names we have for one.
এক or एक,
No but I say ஒன்று
But then you don’t understand!
Oh let’s not quarrel,
In ਇੱਕ, একই we are.
Record 3: Life in B/W
It’s been a trend to go to Delhi for preparation, yet I voyage back to the city of Joy. Five years away, and life has a new perspective. While brushing past people in the under-bridge area of Sealdah it wasn’t the same as it used to be, during my college years at Presidency University. It had a new perspective on history, politics and society.
I was glad to be here, the copier machine created a piece of rhythmic music for my wandering. As the pulling rickshaws unique to the city rang their bell asking me to step away from contemplating! I notice the tramlines, a heritage that draws the line of right and left for yellow taxis and light blue buses gushing and cussing as they carry the dwellers into historic roads once the abode of Job Charnock Banyan trees. No, we don’t find Jackals anymore. At least not in animal form! The smokes of Job are still lit, taken by city dwellers on the street…cigars replaced by bidis.
Dada says, my xerox is done. But then he used canon! Anyway..., as I leave passing this tunnel flocked by bangles, sweets, the aromatic Lucchi Chola, lassi, veggies and what not… a market by people coming from Hooghly, Howrah and beyond making it among cheapest bazaars under the bridge. In nostalgia I stood, once decades ago this-century-old railway brought an orphan from Hooghly to Baithakhana market. My great grandfather might have, on some days spent days under this pass, I’m taken to think the layers this dim-lit underpass might have in my history. "Mangoes!" I hear, in season Mangoes. Mashi asks me, Alphonso? I look for my kaccha Aam.
Record 4: Pre Pre…Preparation.
June 2022
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| MINT, KOLKATA |
Another rather expected chapter- this portion of the blog will continue drafting my days in isolation now for another year full of knowledge-seeking reflections. Probity and trivial feelings will be on glaring display here. By far this journey has taken me to beautiful locations, this time the scene was set in MINT,WB (where I couldn’t mint :P) and thus opened me to myself -
Know thy self for to be,
Or not to be.
Be not walking in shadows
There’s nobody in thy shape.
For journeying life
Is for the brave,
For going on is just holding the key!
Let us not stop till we seek
As the lotus blossoms,
Walk with me
May they call it destiny.
- by Sufi.
[This page has some Colours here onwards]
Record 5: Distractions
August 2022
Previous attempts were taken, and months were lost in confusion. I decided on this which I call the filtered attention process - I think to 'look in' is the only solution and fixing self, especially in cases of relationships is the only peace possible. The stoic in me raced ahead!
Acceptance of feelings, the dark ones too…the ones we don’t even tell ourselves that we’ve felt. I let myself feel them, accept them and see the end of them. Meditations in text and in practice are my new friend during study breaks.
Aurelius, a guide and friend.
Record 6: 5AM Club.
A self-inflicted routine, because I believe it’s the best time to wake up. Not because Robin says it, honestly a lot more can be done in a day when the sky is rosy still. Lagging targets met, will I form this habit? Maybe, maybe the birds will call for me for our routine to see me doing Surya Namaskar and then graduating to Shav Asana faster than planned? Which shall I be, a Shakespearean Joker or his another character with Hamartia…oh Macbeth, I wake up on time to guard me!
It is as I like it.
Record 7: Knock knock, not there !
Three months from June, deadlines are now dread lines. Best sooner to be met! as I begin my optionals, Debating on written notes/digital notes? I've concluded to remain in agreement with Plato "writing destroys the human memory by eliviating the need to remember anything". For now, till post prelim I indent to stay in line with colouring my life with highlighters and pen, as Loaded trains whistle pass filling the background music as I race ahead.
Almost regularly I speak to the my Generals for MO, the toppers blogs. As Ma, unloads her creative skills on packing in nutrition with the high protein diet- Flowery Chrispy Begun/Baingan/Babaganush/Brinjal.
Record 8: A song for the Journey.
The lord of the Ring series and J.R.R Tolkien’s works in form of books and cinema as a 90’s kid gave me insight on catharsis in creative imagination. Since then all perils were viewed as an interesting plot twist and learning. A habit borrowed from my youth to the adult battlefield - is this song as I carry along with my booklist and planning having limited arrows in my quiver.
Among many mix of tunes, these words sung on a hobbit’s journey for basic survival from The Rings of power gives me strength.
Record 9: Wedding season.
December 2022
Starting this journey early gives you the anxiety of not having bagged enough accolades for a career in case...and starting it late/mid twenties let's people tell you you're late, all your friends are getting married/get promoted/get kids. You're often told when will you be next? As I cancel on the events and realise my preparation isn't on point, and to many you're just a data set, and nobody can claim to be a 100%. Even if you know theres no winning or loosing in life, you need not expect others to understand the same.
Just do it!!! Is what I think. 2023 kicks in with more learning for me other than completing the Syllabus and Current affairs along with test series. To whomsoever that reads this, I don't know if I will put it out either. But I want you to know YOLO! Be deaf, be dumb and just do it. :) No matter what you're trying to achieve, you can do it. I'm telling this to myself more than to you right now. You are your own poem, so own it!
Record 10: the last song
March 2023
My previous half baked attempts and a quest towards self discovery has taught me to not go in the field without confident practice. Since 2021 October I began my preparation, yet due to empty attempts it weighs on me. After a year and half of tryst I've come to realise many have cleared UPSC with self study, many through limited assistance but I am not one of them. Unsure if I will ever publish this slot of the blog, it is a portion writin for self reflection ergo there's no harm in saying I'm not among that starry night yet. I won't be giving this attempt, questions like "will this impact me in my upcoming years?" "What if my age exhausts my attempt?" "I've already started too late!" "Should I just go back to academia, everyone anyway thinks thats best for me, don't they?" These whispers of self doubt cloud my head, as I charge ahead. I'm resolved to not quit and overcome bygone loopholes through focused determination, confidence and perseverance.
"I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul"
-Invictus, William Ernest Henley.
Plan ahead? Seek guidance, Study, Reflect, Write, Revise, Mock, Test, 🔂 Reflect, seeks guidance and repeat - same shedule! For I am not a permanent member of the 4am club yet.
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